Bitter Sweet & Anti-Valentine Poems

Valentines Day is an occasion that many of us dread. It can be a cause of misery for the single, stalked, separated and especially those simultaneously trying to juggle more than one relationship. The bitter sweet and anti-valentines poems are funny poems which an attempt to show that there are two sides to the valentines coin. It's not a case of mocking the romantically afflicted, but offering solace and a gentle reminder that you are most certainly not alone in your predicament!

To begin, one of Patrick Winstanley's practical valentine's poems, which can be use to ward off unwelcome Valentine's Day advances. This is a variant on traditional Roses are red poems and can be used, preemptively if necessary, as a gentle rebuff to those offering unsolicited valentines gifts.

Roses Aren't

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I'm allergic
Atchoo, Atchoo

I know that red roses are traditional as a valentine's gift and that it's supply and demand, rather than cynical commercial interests, that dictates the price rockets, but

Paying Through The Nose

If St. Valentine had been sensitive
To the needs of men
Then Valentine's Day would fall during the
Rose growing season

Valentines Day isn't an occasion of unalloyed joy, as many people find that suitable admirers are rather thin on the ground. Or perhaps that should read that unsuitable admirers are rather fat on the ground.

Single Minded

A single red rose,
A glass of champagne,
Ready meal for one,
It's that day again.

Even if you think you're found the perfect valentine, you may find that the path of true love is long, tortuous and extraordinarily painful...

Beware The Pricks

Take a porcupine
As your valentine,
Initial elation
May end in deflation.

Or you may discover that the paragon of virtue and sophistication who is your romantic ideal turns out to be a complete and utter ####.

Opposites Attract #1

You have elegance
Poise and grace
A certain sophistication
And what was once called “it”
You have beauty
And sex appeal
You know what you've got
And how to use it
You have style
And fashion sense
You know what goes
And what does not
So answer me this
Why do you choose?
As your date
A tattooed Neanderthal

If that reflects your somewhat jaundiced view of valentine romance, remember the solace that can be found in chocolate   ...which is both an aphrodisiac and a euphoriant.

Passion Spent

The Roses are eaten,
The Milk Tray consumed,
My appetite's sated,
But my weight's ballooned.

If you subscribe to the view that the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, you'll enjoy the not so subtle message in this next valentine's incantation.

Brotherly Love

I love you
Like no other,
Unless you've
A slightly taller, richer brother.

For some though, valentine's day brings back truly horrific memories, as expressed in this variation on the Roses are red theme.

Lost Love

The roses are dead,
The violets have wilted,
We were to be wed,
But now I've been jilted.

A second humorous poem about a relationship doomed to fail. It's was to be called 'Whirlwind Romance, but I discovered that Paul has already bagged that title, so it's been afforded a rather obtuse title instead.

Here Today, Gone Tomorrow

We dined
And you whined,
I wooed
But you wouldn't,
We wed
And you fled.

The French have an expression which translates as ‘marriage is a bird caged for life'. There's more than a grain of truth in it!

My Wife And I Are Inseparable

My wife and I are inseparable
Do you want to know why?
Because if either of us went away
We would have to kiss goodbye

Another ratter downbeat poem on a valentines theme, this time about the tendency of romance to wither and die over the course of a relationship.

First to Last

On our first Valentine's Day,
You bought me
A dozen red roses
And a silk dressing gown.

On our last Valentine's Day,
You brought me
A rose bush and a trowel,
And told me to grow my own.

To conclude, a funny anti-valentines poem which has a distinct whiff of feminism about it. I'm not sure whether men are allowed to write feminist poems, but in these days of political correctness, sexual equality and universal female emancipation, I'm not sure of very much at all. However, the poem's sentiments are, I assure you, genuine and heartfelt.

Saint or Sinner

Is Saint Valentine
The saint of lost causes,
Romantic gestures,
Embarrassing pauses?

Or is he the saint
Of sinister stalkers,
Whose valentines cards
Bear single entendres?

Seduction, stalking,
They're two sides of a coin.
The proper riposte,
A swift knee to the groin.