Dirty Poems

The dirty poems are huddled together like a group of raincoat-clad old men in a public convenience only because it helps protect me from screams of outrage from more sensitive readers. The poems are first and foremost funny poems, which happen to include a few expletives, profanities or unsavoury elements.


A poem which will resonate with men the world over, or at least those residing in countries where pornographic literature is freely available.

The Perfect Woman

An exploration of the qualities required of a perfect woman are followed by a shocking realisation...

Another Survey

England is a country which appears to be sustained by a diet of increasingly banal surveys exploring, in minute detail, the most intimate details of the respondents' lives.

Do It On The Side

A straight funny poem about goings on in the garden, which is too dirty for the humorous poems and insufficiently romantic for the funny love poems.

Partying Or Clubbing

An poem which explores the extraordinary effect that donning a pair of 'beer goggles' has on the behaviour of those enjoying a night out on the town, or perhaps that should be a night out on the pull.

I Like

I Like is an exposition in verse form of the myriad qualities of womanhood which the author finds attractive. And when I say myriad...

One Man's Fish

A slightly disturbing poem in which the author expounds his love of thin women.

A Woman's View

A delightfully bitchy poem about women with dyed hair, as viewed from a female perspective.

A Man's View

A companion piece to A Woman's View, which provides a rather more prurient, masculine view of the subject of dyed hair.

Wind Breaker

If you've ever wondered about the olfactory characteristics of female flatus, this is a poem just for you. If you've ever wondered what flatus means, probably best to skip to the next poem.

Perverted Pete

Perverts tend to get a rather bad press, which is hardly surprising when you consider what they get up to - in this case 'distance frottaging'.

Working Women

A poem which appears to revolve around an infatuation with women in uniform, but I may be wrong, it could be entirely innocent…

Blown Away

A poem that is slightly less filthy than the mental images conjured up by its title.

The Great Lies Of Life

'The cheque's in the post' is undoubtedly the best known and least offensive of the 'great lies' which underlie the poem's central message.