Funny Fathers Day Poems

A collection of funny poems for Fathers Day by Paul Curtis, a contemporary English poet, essayist and author. One has to confess that the selection is a slight mishmash of poems about fathers, fatherhood and growing old which are thematically coherent, but not necessarily all suitable as protestations of love or affection on Fathers Day.

Ages Of Man

You were once a good boy
Mummy’s pride and joy
Then you grew into a nice kid
Because of the things you did
Then you progressed to be a great guy
It just happened you don’t know why
Then you arrived and were a fine man
Just in time for your retirement plan
And if only that was the end of it
But no you grew into an old git

3 O'Clock Alarm Call

My son is a student
And he still lives at home
But he seems to drink more than he studies
And when he comes home at 3 in the morning much the worse for drink
He cannot differentiate between the bathroom and my wardrobe

My father has Alzheimer’s
And he still lives at home
He spends most of his time in a state of confusion
And when he gets up at 3 in the morning to answer the call of nature
He cannot differentiate between the bathroom and my wardrobe

I am at the end of my tether
I wish I didn’t live at home
Unfortunately I still have to work for a living
Yet I wake up at 3 in the morning to find my son, my father or both
In my wardrobe pissing in my shoes

Reasons To Be A Man

It’s good to be a man at any time of year or season
And here are just a few to show the rhyme and reason
Your Phone conversations are over in minutes or less
You get credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
You don’t have to ask where the oil goes in cars
You don’t need to ask for help to open all your jars
You don’t care if someone talks behind your back
You buy your underwear in three’s for £10 a pack
You don’t clean the house if the gas man is coming by
Nobody at work has the power to make you cry
You can always take your shirt off on a sunny day
If you do the same work you know you’ll get more pay
You never have to worry what others are feeling
You can sit cross-legged no matter what you’re wearing
Old friends don’t care whether you’ve gained weight
Beer guts don’t make you invisible to a potential mate
You know if you need to go the world is your urinal
You never have to fake as all your orgasms are real
When queuing for the toilet the lines are always shorter
Gray hair and wrinkles will only give you character
Hot wax never comes anywhere near your pubic hairs
If you’re thirty-four and your still single nobody cares
The size of your bum is not a factor when job hunting
Foreplay is optional and flowers will fix everything
You can be showered and ready to go in ten minutes
And you don’t get overcharged by hairdressing twits
Sex means never worrying about your reputation
One suitcase is all you need for a summer vacation
You can go to the bathroom without your friends
Car mechanics don’t patronize you about big ends
Three pairs of shoes is more than enough to own
The remote control handset is yours and yours alone
You don’t have to like them to have sex with them
No one looks at your chest when you talk to them
You know that there’s always a game on somewhere
And you have a simple relationship with your mother
You don’t have to shave anything below your head
You don’t have to curl up to a hairy man in bed
Nudity in films is nearly always of the female variety
You never have to remember a birthday or an anniversary
You don’t care if no one notices your new hairstyle
And you can write your name in the snow and smile
The ambitions are simple to which you aspire
Just to become a dirty old man is all you desire


I gave up the fags over a year ago
I miss them now so much you know
I’m overweight by over fifty pound
I’m getting old and getting round
My house is far too small to fit
And I have no money to extend it
I’m now leaving middle age behind
My face is really creased and lined
My hair shows age without a doubt
What isn’t Grey has now fallen out
With the same work for thirty years
Giving all, blood sweat and tears
I’ve hated my job I really have to say
But needs must at the end of the day
The job I hate I've been doing so long
Where oh where did I go so wrong
I should feel heartily depressed
All broken, strained and stressed
But life’s not so bad, God forbids
If you happen to have a wife and kids

Sad To Be Dad

I'm not good today, I'm feeling very sad
Because I've just turned into my old dad.
Don't try to be kind by saying that I ain't,
As I now have a stick just for stirring paint.


I don’t do plumbing
Carpentry or electrics
I don’t mess with tiling
Bricklaying or mechanics
I suppose I could be described
As a handy man, in a way
As I live on the premises
And can be there the same day
But that isn’t really handy
If I’m being fair
As I’m actually bloody useless
When I get there
So I don’t do DIY
I’m just not that guy
But I do, do GSI
I’m a “Get Someone In” kind of guy

If you haven't found just the Fathers Day poem you were looking for, their is a selection of family-friendly and rather more conventional funny Fathers Day poems on our junior version of the site, Funny Poems for Kids.