Grumpy Old Man Poems

A series of funny poems which take a generally misanthropic view of contemporary life and some well aimed swipes at, amongst others, modern art, technology and children. I anticipate the last of these will provoke a stream of emails which are vituperative and vacuous in equal measure. It will make a pleasant change from all the emails accusing the site of being anti-American.

Art Buyers

A poem about the type of people who buy art to match their decor and their wallet. As for taste, you really shouldn't ask.


If hell is other people, our neighbours are the other people we learn to despise most.

Hashtag Madness

If you believe that Twitter is a social medium which affords people with very little to say too much space in which to say it, this is a poem just for you.

Bloody Cyclists

It seems that Max hasn't fully embraced the green agenda, as the behaviour of inconsiderate cyclists leaves him seeing red.

Starter for Ten

Who, what, where and why are the pivotal questions asked by this light, but slightly nonsensical poem.


A companion piece to to Starter for Ten, the poems Why? contains the arresting line And isn’t it incest if all men are brothers? Discuss.

Too Many People

Max's poem will strike a chord with misanthropes living in our overcrowded towns and cities.


It’s nutritious and healthy but totally bland sums up Max's feelings about this super food, but tofu does have multitudinous other uses.

Why, God, Why?

The poem offers an oblique and rather lighter take on the If God is omnipotent, why does he allow plague and pestilence? argument.

The Ballad of Ben & Jerry

A funny, near nonsense poem about the Ben & Jerry ice cream empire and it's propensity to create increasingly outrageous flavour combinations.

Modern Living

The opposite of a these are some of my favourite things poem, in which Max explores some of the features of modern life which are most vexatious to him.

Your Call Is Important to Us…

The frustrations of call centre queues are brought vividly to life in Max's angst fuelled poem.

The Cost of Living

As most of the country is buried under a mountain of debt, Max proposes a neat solution to free your from your financial shackles.

It's For You

Another offering on the subject of call centres and the unremitting torture they inflict on humanity.

When They Privatise The Post Office

A slightly tongue in cheek poem which considers what the Post Office will look like post-privatisation.

1984: Orwell Go It Wrong

A poem which bids farewell to democracy and welcomes in its place the intrusions of the cyber state. Lovers of Rupert Murdoch won't find it an easy read!

Breakfast With Iain Duncan-Smith

The irreppresible Iain Duncan Smith, often referred to simply as IDS was the erstwhile leader of the Conservative Party who failed to win a General Election or acceptance by the populace. So what could possibly be the outcome of Max meeting Iaian over breakfast?

Trump Dub

A scathing political poem about Donal Trump, the underdog in the recent US elections. The idiosyncrasies of UK elections are as nothing compared to the frankly bizarre goings on in America.

The Awful Story of Peedie Angus and the Soup Bowl

A narrative poem with a fairy tale quality about the eponymous Peedie Angus, the sort of ghastly child you wouldn't wish upon your worst enemy.