Funny Poems About Drinking

I drink; you get drunk; he is a drunkard. All of which are better states than to decline to drink and discover you are a lonely, friendless creature, the teetotaller. Thus Paul's poems tackle the delicate subject of drinking with good cheer, but without in any way celebrating drunkenness or encouraging you to embrace a dissolute life.

Drinking to Excess

We dive straight in with a poem about the tell tale signs that you're drinking to excess.

A plain speaking poem about the sometimes comic effects of overindulging in alcohol.


Poems about Alcoholism

You Know You've Had Too Much To Drink When

You know you've had too much to drink when
Your Job is interfering with your drinking.
You lose arguments with inanimate objects
And the whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in.

You know you've had too much to drink when
You stand up and fall down on your ass
Clare Short starts to look very attractive
You only recognize your wife through the bottom of a glass.

You know you've had too much to drink when
That pink elephant followed you home again
Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
You try to dance like Kelly in singing in the rain

You know you've had too much to drink when
"TORO TORO TORO!” you wake up and scream
At AA meetings you can't remember your name
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream

You know you've had too much to drink when
Your Basic diet is Caffeine, Alcohol and Nicotine
You can focus much better with one eye closed
Clare Short is the most beautiful woman you've seen

Down and Out

A slightly silly poem about a vagrant who had well and truly drunk himself into the gutter.

Wizard word play and or a punishing pun? It depends whether you like your poems straight or on the rocks.


Funny Drinking Poems

Drink To My Health

I was out for a walk
Just round and about
When I saw in a doorway
An old down and out
Drinking brake fluid
From an old tin cup
I stood for a moment
And watched him sup
“If that stuff kills you
That would be a crime”
“Don't worry” said he
“I can stop anytime”

A Poke in the Eye

Weekend Bender is in the finest tradition of the poke, a hybrid joke poem.

A hilarious poem about thee days heavy drinking which is followed by three days of repentance.


Poems about Marital Discord

Weekender Bender

George left work early one Friday
And went out with the lads, on a bender
He finally got home to his unhappy wife
On Sunday night after a boozy weekender
After hours of bitching and moaning
His wife asked him a simple question
"Would you like not to see me for three days?
“Very much” he said without hesitation
He didn't see her at all on Monday
Nor did he see her on Tuesday and Wednesday
After the swelling had begun to subside
He could see her out of one eye on Thursday

Topping Up

Paul discovers a fatal flaw in the optimist-pessimist test.

A humorous poem which shows how even handed drinkers can be.


Philosophical Drinking Poems

Philosophical Drinker

It doesn't matter if the glass
Is half full or half empty
Either is fine
It just means that there is
More than enough room
To add more wine

A Troubled Soul

A short funny poem which conceals a surprisingly pertinent message about the danger of drinking to forget.

A bitter sweet poem about the inability of alcohol to solve ones problems.


Drinking to Forget Poems

Depressed Drinker

I used to have a coping strategy
For when things got grim
I would try to drown my sorrows
But the bastards learned how to swim

Poking More Fun

Another joke poem, this time about lost property and the Welsh railway system.

A familiar tale of lost valuables transformed into an amusing little divertissement.


Funny Drinking Poems

Lost Property

I left two bottles of Whisky
On the train to Prestatyn
I thought them gone for ever
Until a nice man called Glynn
Of the lost property office
Telephoned me from Prestatyn
To say the man who found them
Had just been handed in

Sage Advice

More quasi-philosophical suggestions for those who use alcohol as a crutch.

Another poem which mixes humour and cod philosophy to undermine the 'alcohol as crutch' argument.


Excessive Drinking Poems

Alcohol Is Not The Answer

Alcohol is not the answer
That's my suggestion
It does help however
To make you forget the question

Too Much of a Good Thing

Lash is a strange word; students indulge in pre-lash, before going out on the lash, but this poem features the final phase, the back lash.

A poem which will paint a familiar picture for those who overindulge their overindulgences.


Drunk Poems

I Was Out On The Lash On Saturday Night

I was out on the lash on Saturday night
But I think it ended in disgrace
As I woke up in a skip next morning
With a kebab stuck to my face

More Drink Related Poems

Rather than duplicate across categories, below are listed a few more poems about drinking which live elsewhere in the Peculiar Poetry collection.

Falling Down Drunk

A cruel and unusual poem about the problems of a habitual drunkard.

Size Doesn't Matter

Dipsomania and the DT collide in a poem with a strangely surreal feel.