Twisted Funny Valentine Poems

A selection of short valentines poems which are essentially funny, but which have a darker side or a twist in the tail. Sinister, vengeful, dirty and sex obsessed are just a few of the epithets that could be applied to the poems; romantic they are most certainly not.

Our opening poem has been misinterpreted by some as focusing on the ability of craft activities to bring people together. If only life were indeed so simple.

Stuck on You

You were so distant
Now we're as one
Thanks to some duct tape
And a glue gun

Pained as I am to have to explain anything about my poems, those who have not recently appeared on sexual assault charges may need reminding that GHB, aka Gamma-hydroxybutyrate or Rohypnol, was the once notorious date rape drug.

GHB Mine

A Valentine
Says please be mine
But Rohypnol
Is more forceful

With a distinct change in tone, we move onto one of Paul's poems for the girls on the delicate subject of choosing a lover. Don't bite off more than you can chew!

Picking from The Menu

Looks can be so deceiving
When searching for a lover
If you make an instant judgment
Just hope they can deliver

So ladies beware when choosing
The macho over the wimp
If you expect to get king prawn
You may end up getting shrimp

A poem which dangles the forbidden fruit of sexual gratification, but offers instead a cruel reality check.

That Look of Love

Have you ever noticed?
That look that women get
You know the one I mean
When they want to do IT
When they have that
I want sex look in their eye
Have you ever noticed?
No neither have I

Next, a pair of Paul's poems to rebuff which, whilst not specifically written for Valentines Day, would certainly come in useful to repel unwelcome valentines advances.

Put Down # 1

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
Just gaze into their eyes
And say to your pursuer
“Why don’t you slip into something
More comfortable… like a coma”

Put Down # 2

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
Just say to him seductively
With your hand upon your hip
“Wipe your mouth honey,
You have bullshit around your lips"

And to follow, two short love-hate poems by Paul which make interesting companion pieces and continue the theme of unfortunate romantic liaisons.

Love Of The Sea

Oh my love how you remind me of the sea
Not for being amazing, powerful and dramatic
No, you remind me of the sea my darling
Because when I’m close to you I feel sick

Roses Were Red

Roses were red, violets were blue
No one in the bar was prettier than you
I brought you home I was over the moon
In the morning I sing a different tune
My eyes are red, my complexion green
The sight of you makes me want to scream

Now for a straight funny poem which combines love and an RTA to both tragic and comic effect.

They Say That The Love Of Your Life

They say that the love of your life
Will only come into view
When you're not really looking
Which for me was certainly true

Unfortunately when we met
I was texting as I drove my Rover
Just as she crossed the road
Which is why I ran her over

Our bitter and twisted theme descends into the demonic with a humorous poem with is simultaneously light and dark.

Red Eye

In all the photos of her
She was terribly Red Eyed
I thought it was the camera
But no matter how I tried
I couldn't get a good shot
But it wasn't a lack of skill
Or any technical fault
It turned out she was evil

A brief interlude for a twisted funny poem about role playing sex games which reaches a deliberately anti-climactic climax.

Role Playing Games

Let's play doctors and nurses
To celebrate Valentine's Day
You head off for the golf course
I'll stay home and strike for more pay