Funny Valentine Poems

A collection of 'straight' funny valentines poems by Paul Curtis and Patrick Winstanly on the themes of love, relationships and romantic frustration. While there's nothing too twisted or rude, the poetry is written for an adult audience and definitely isn't suitable for children. We'll kick off proceedings with a three of Patrick Winstanley's Valentine's poems on the theme of geeks and love.

The first poem would be ideal to ensnare a geek, as it provides a heady mix of romance, humour and html. Ideally it should be sent via email, but if you have to deliver it in person try saying it in a strong West Indian accent, which gives the ~ just the right balance between passion and insistence.

A Valentine to a Geek

<strong>as an ox</strong>
<b>as a lion</b>
you will be mine
~ end of time

If the geek you've set your sights on is receptive to your romantic advances, you may very well receive an equally baffling valentine verse in reply:

Sweet 16

Roses are #D20202
Violets are #6666D2
My dreams are hexadecimal
And so too are you

The next poem is not strictly a valentine poem, but it does explain why so many men (not just geeks) get the romance thing wrong on Valentine's Day (and not just on Valentine's Day).

Men are from Mars

If men are from Mars
And Women are from Venus
A martian man's head
Is still ruled by his penis

Many women dream of being swept off their feet by a knight in shining armour on Valentine's Day , but be careful what you wish for...

A Knight to Remember

You're my knight in shining armour
I'm your damsel in distress
So much for our night of passion
You'll take hours to undress

To follow, a rather more conventional poem for Valentine's Day by Paul which has as its ingredients a loving relationship and a box of chocolates...

Sweet Mystery

For Valentines Day
My husband, so sweet
Bought hand made chocolates
For me as a treat
In a flower covered box
Came the delicious confection
But I am at a loss to answer
A most curious question
How can two pounds of chocs
So delicious on the lips
Manage in just one night
To put 5lbs on my hips

Fluffy and cute, I Never Meant To Do It is one of the rare poems, at least in he context of Peculiar Poetry, which might serve some geneuinely romantic purpose.

I Never Meant To Do It

I never meant to do it
But I did it with ease
In fact it was so simple
It was actually a breeze
So now can you fall
In love with me please?

A quick gear change for a medically themed poem which is an attempt at clumsy humour...

Falling for You

I kept on bumping into you
I thought it romantic
Until I realised we go to
The same dyspraxia clinic

The next offering is really more of a wedding than a valentine's poem, but after all romance and relationships lie at the heart of both.

Marriage Guidance

As you embark on life's journey,
If you want to stay on track,
Make sure you can work a sat nav
And your wife can read a map.

A Roses Are Red parody which will soar pleasingly over the heads of most Americans.

Wars of the Roses

Roses are bred
In every hue
But for my wife
Only red will do.

She's not picky
She's not being crass
It's just that she's
A Lancashire lass

A straight funny poem by Paul, which pivots around one of those classical misunderstanding which make relationships both frustrating and fun!

Romantic Gesture

My wife told me to be more romantic
And to book a table for Valentines Day
When we arrived at the snooker hall
I can tell you there was all hell to pay

In conclusion, a poem to press home the message that he who procrastinates is lost. It's not explicit that the poem has a male voice, but it was firmly in my mind when I wrote it!

Missing the Point

I tried to write a romantic poem
For you this Valentine's Day
Which is why this Valentine's card
Didn't arrive until mid-May