Funny Rude Poems

As beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so rudeness is very often in the mind of the reader. I apply a simple test to determine if a poems should be in the rude poetry section - could I read the poem to my nonagenarian grandmother and both of us survive the experience? If I couldn't - please note that I don't actually put them to the test - then they are, to my mind at least, rude poems.

Say Cheese

A very cheesy poem - cheesy in its subject matter, cheesy in its execution and, for those possessing well developed olfactory organs, with a distinct whiff of cheese.

Monumental Erection

A deliberately provocative title for a poem inspired by the Swiss Re building in London, which Prince Charles described as resembling 'an erotic gherkin'.

Old Saws Resharpened ~ Sky

One of a series of reworkings of old sayings and sooths, which offers some wise words for viewers of satellite television.


A poem about two of the worst personal problems afflicting the teenage male - personal as in personal hygiene, not personal relationships. You have been warned.

A Limerick Limerick

A poem in Limerick form with Limerick as the subject - a sort of 'double Limerick', except it doesn't rhyme.

Old Saws Resharpened ~ You Can’t Make…

Another traditional saying gets put through the proverbial mangle.

The ABC of Fruitiness

A first, and likely last, attempt to write alphabet poetry. I am sure the world doesn't need another poem beginning 'A is for apple' (It's got one) and I only avoided the obvious trap of the line 'F is for skin' by finishing the poem prematurely. It's funny, it's fruity, but it didn't come out of the wash entirely clean.

Nuts and Bolts

A man who works for the Health and Safety Executive becomes just a little too enthusiastic about enacting safety legislation.

Coming Unstuck

A short poem about the dangers of surfing the Internet in search of unsavoury material.

A Bird in the Bush

A rather bashful lady consults a doctor about her 'women's problems'.

The Whole New Me

A poem about the power that plastic surgery has to change not only your appearance, but also your whole outlook on life.

Table for One

There are both pitfalls and pleasures to dining alone…

Seven Deadly Sins - Envy

A deliberately obtuse poem which will mean different things to different people.