Short and Curlies

Painful puns, wicked word play, corny punchlines, juvenalia. You'll find all these and more in Short and Curlies, our collection of the best of the rest of Paul's short funny poems. It could be viewed as a rag bag of leftovers, but it's in reality an assemblage of poems which defied classification within the existing love - life - death - sex structure. I could give you a foretaste of the subjects covered, but it's probably more fun for you to dive in and enjoy strange juxtapositions lurking beneath the waves. Just beware of the sharks!

Ask A Stupid Question

I walked past a homeless man
As I went into Co-op express
On my way out he said “Any Change?”
I replied “No, you're still homeless”

Some People Come Into Our Lives

Some people come into our lives
And leave footprints on our hearts
Others tread softly leaving no traces

But then there are the ones
On whom you want to leave boot prints
All over their stupid faces

I Can’t Believe The Size Of My Water Bill

I can’t believe the size of my water bill
It’s really getting me down
According to Oxfam for £3 a month
I can supply a whole town

There’s An Army Surplus Store Across The Street

There’s an Army surplus store across the street
That only sells camouflage gear as far as I can see
I don’t know how well the business is doing
But it seems a bit of a niche market to me
And I watched loads of people go in the shop
But coming out I could only count about three

I've Just Heard The Window Cleaner

I've just heard the window cleaner
He was really making tongues wag
Cursing, shouting and swearing
I think he’d clearly lost his rag

There Is A Moth In The Bathroom

There is a moth in the bathroom
Drawn towards the light
My wife was in the shower
And it gave her a bit of a fright

I don’t understand why
If they are attracted to the light
They don’t just appear
When the sun is shining bright

Walt Disney On Ice

The kids wanted to see
Walt Disney on ice
They all thought
It would be really nice

However it turned out
To be some old geezer,
Walt Disney apparently,
Lying dead in a freezer

My Girl Is Teaching Me A Language

My girl is teaching me a language
Natalia is from Russia you see
But it is not going very well at all
She tried with simple things for me
Asking the Russian word for napkin
Soviette is not the answer apparently

Gifted Amateurs

If someone says they’re an Amateur
There’s really no need to panic
Because Amateurs built the Ark
While Professionals built the Titanic

In The European Forests

In the European forests
The wild boar can be vicious
But it’s worth the risk
As they’re bloody delicious

Scottish Independence

As a proud Briton
I will be disappointed
If Scotland choose to go

As an Englishman
I’ll be disappointed
If they vote no