Short Funny Poems about Sex

Poems about sex are not necessarily dirty poems, or even rude poems. This selection of Paul Curtis's short sex poems takes a humorous look at sex in the widest sense - the biological, the physical and the smutty. The first short sex poem, Start As You Mean to Go On, echoes the seven ages of man and leads the reader in one easy leap from the newborn to the distinctly un-shakespearian BDSM age.

Start As You Mean To Go On

We all enter this world in the same way
Soaked in blood, screaming and quite bare
But if you live your life in the right way
That kind of thing doesn't have to stop there

If you think that Holy Cow is a gentle pastoral poem which has wandered amongst the short sex poems by mistake, now might be a good time to turn back.

Holy Cow

Who was the first person
Maybe a man maybe a woman
To stand in a field one day
And look at a cow and say
“I'll give them a squeeze
The dangly things, these
And then without a doubt
I’ll drink whatever comes out”

A short poem about sexually transmitted diseases. If urethral inflammation sounds unpleasant, just think how it feels.

A Cautionary Tale

Since the time
I had unprotected sex
With my next door neighbour’s daughter
I’ve had this itch
And I’ve had this rash
And I’ve had trouble passing water

Poems about onanistic campanologists aren't exactly thick on the ground, but in this example an inquisitive vicar comes to lend a hand.

That Rings A Bell

This is the tale of a solo bell ringer
Caught with the rope around his dinger
The vicar made the shock discovery
And then tolled the man off promptly

It is a freshly written poem, but it sounds more like a cross between a traditional folk saying and the sort of grafitto found scrawled on a public lavatory wall.

Love

When undies pass the knees
And hands go into shirts
Breath comes in short pants
And love comes in spurts

Sexist, misogynistic and in poor taste, Defrosting The Fridge has two redeeming feature - it's funny and acknowledges that sex can exist in the context of a long term relationship.