Funny Poems About Drinking

You Know You've Had Too Much To Drink When

You know you've had too much to drink when
Your Job is interfering with your drinking.
You lose arguments with inanimate objects
And the whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in.

You know you've had too much to drink when
You stand up and fall down on your ass
Clare Short starts to look very attractive
You only recognize your wife through the bottom of a glass.

You know you've had too much to drink when
That pink elephant followed you home again
Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
You try to dance like Kelly in singing in the rain

You know you've had too much to drink when
"TORO TORO TORO!” you wake up and scream
At AA meetings you can't remember your name
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream

You know you've had too much to drink when
Your Basic diet is Caffeine, Alcohol and Nicotine
You can focus much better with one eye closed
Clare Short is the most beautiful woman you've seen

Drink To My Health

I was out for a walk
Just round and about
When I saw in a doorway
An old down and out
Drinking brake fluid
From an old tin cup
I stood for a moment
And watched him sup
“If that stuff kills you
That would be a crime”
“Don't worry” said he
“I can stop anytime”

Weekender Bender

George left work early one Friday
And went out with the lads, on a bender
He finally got home to his unhappy wife
On Sunday night after a boozy weekender
After hours of bitching and moaning
His wife asked him a simple question
"Would you like not to see me for three days?
“Very much” he said without hesitation
He didn't see her at all on Monday
Nor did he see her on Tuesday and Wednesday
After the swelling had begun to subside
He could see her out of one eye on Thursday

Philosophical Drinker

It doesn't matter if the glass
Is half full or half empty
Either is fine
It just means that there is
More than enough room
To add more wine

Depressed Drinker

I used to have a coping strategy
For when things got grim
I would try to drown my sorrows
But the bastards learned how to swim

Lost Property

I left two bottles of Whisky
On the train to Prestatyn
I thought them gone for ever
Until a nice man called Glynn
Of the lost property office
Telephoned me from Prestatyn
To say the man who found them
Had just been handed in

Alcohol Is Not The Answer

Alcohol is not the answer
That's my suggestion
It does help however
To make you forget the question

I Was Out On The Lash On Saturday Night

I was out on the lash on Saturday night
But I think it ended in disgrace
As I woke up in a skip next morning
With a kebab stuck to my face

Falling Down Drunk

A cruel and unusual poem about the problems of a habitual drunkard.

Size Doesn't Matter

Dipsomania and the DT collide in a poem with a strangely surreal feel.