Short Funny Christmas Poems 2018

After a couple of lean years, we're back with a vengeance and an all new collection of short funny Chistmas poems by Paul Curtis. Some themes recurr - aberrant advent calendars, the adverse effects of sprouts and inappropriate Xmas presents - all wrapped up in Paul's inimitable punishing puns and wicked wordplay. There may be the odd turkey, but there's an abundance of real crackers too!


My mum gave me a gift and the receipt,
Like she did every single year before
Then I could take it back if I didn’t like it,
So actually what she gets me is a chore

In Auckland New Zealand

In Auckland New Zealand
They don’t say Happy Christmas
As it’s built on a strip of land
So instead they say Merry Isthmus

The Three Wise Men Were Late To The Nativity

The three wise men were late to the nativity
However not because they had travelled very far
But because one of them was an astronomer
And endlessly wittered on about the bloody star

To Maintain A High Fibre Diet

To maintain a high fibre diet
During the Christmas festivities
We are urged not to eat deserts
And instead eat the Christmas trees

For Our Christmas Dinner

For our Christmas dinner
We had German sprouts
And they in no way allayed
Any low emission doubts

As Kids, Every Christmas Time

As kids, every Christmas time
We would really go berserk.
But now I’m grown up I think
It’s just a lot of extra work.

The Great British Bake-Off Nativity

The Great British Bake-Off nativity
Is to be a real festive feast
And baker Paul Hollywood says it’s
Because the Star is in the Yeast

I Got An Inappropriate Present

I got an inappropriate present
From my grandparents you know
Ordinarily a Slinky is a great gift
But not if you live in a bungalow

When You Open The Windows

When you open the windows
Throughout the festive season
On Microsoft’s advent calendar
They suddenly close for no reason

My Worst Christmas Present Ever # 3

My worst Christmas present ever
Without a doubt, I have concluded
Was when I received a box of batteries
Labelled “toys not included”

Insulted Santa

The local shopping Mall Santa
Turned out to be a very grumpy chap
When a little girl put a bin bag down
Just before she sat on his lap

Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire

“Chestnuts roasting on an open fire”
That’s Christmas day with Stephen
But I only have myself to blame
For marrying a sodding vegan

I Always Come Out In A Rash

I always come out in a rash
It happens every Xmas
I’ve been to see a doctor
And he thinks its Eczemas

A Christmas Day Birthday #2

For those born on Christmas day
They miss out, which is a caper
But to rub salt into the wound
Wrap their gift in xmas paper

Mince Pies Full

Mince pies full
Of spice and season
I don’t eat them
Heartburn’s the reason

JW Advent Calendar # 2

You can now buy a Jehovah’s Witness
Advent calendar
I’ve never seen one before
I don’t know what message is inside
Because for some reason
You can’t open a single door

It’s One Of Life’s Inevitabilities

It’s one of life’s inevitabilities that there will
Definitely come a time in every family residence
A moment when the children notice that Santa
Uses the same wrapping paper as their parents

Are You Wearing A Christmas Tie?

Are you wearing a Christmas Tie?
Well my next question is why?
Because it really is quite unpleasant
Let me guess it was a present